Welcome to a special edition of this blog series I’ve actually managed to keep up (albeit inconsistently) that I now have 4 different posts of it. It’s not Sunday, but I did kind of like to commemorate my turning [redacted] years old with this meme thing.
owning up to revealing my age make me seem older than I actually am? I’ve always had a complicated relationship with birthdays. A lot of it to do with expectations and disappointments; most of it with me, to myself.
But today, I don’t expect anything. I don’t even feel like celebrating. Because what are birthdays other than successfully living through another year (then again, considering present times that is, in itself, a minor achievement) but I always feel like I’m lagging behind. Worse still, I’m lagging behind with myself. With the ‘me’ that I have so clearly pictured in my head.
(How’s that for ‘vulnerably honest’? Then again, who doesn’t feel the same to an extent?)
Clicking… not a lot. I remember reading some articles, but I guess none of them were important enough for me to remember.
Drinking nothing at the moment.
I felt like cooking today, so I whipped a quick batch of my favorite bread buns, and then I made baked macaroni. The white sauce thing didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, but it tasted OK. Then, I sort of just wanted to keep on cooking so I made salad with chipotle ranch dressing (fave!) and paired it with baked chicken and marbled potatoes. I can talk endlessly about baked chicken and potatoes. They feel so feast-y and fancy, but they’re damn easy to make.
I am a little bit alarmed at the amount of chicken I consume, though. A year and a half ago I decided to just stop eating red meat, but it didn’t really diminish the amount of meat I eat. I kind of just substituted both for chicken. I’m going to try and actively decrease the amount of times I have chickens for meals because I’m a little paranoid about all the diseases you can get off it when not cooked properly. The frequency is kind of making me think it’s only a matter of time.
I apologize for the above paragraph where I only talked about chicken.
I’ve been baking / cooking a lot this year, and it’s weird that I sort of have an internal struggle with it. Like I don’t want to feel like I excel in these domestic pursuits… but this is probably a manifestation of internalized misandry brought about by a damaging patriarchal world culture. I’m bloody excellent, by the way. I have perfected my go-to recipes (moreover, I have go-to recipes). I think it’s also because I was raised to be crafty. And since I don’t have craft projects ongoing right now, I needed something to do with my hands.
Feeling sleepy, sadly. I told myself I’d cram more work before midnight but got totally sidetracked.
Hoping that the day will be kind to me, somehow. Isn’t it crazy, that we call on days to treat us with gentleness?
I listened all the way through Lana Del Ray’s latest album a few days back. I had never been a fan, but I liked it. Not enough for it to move me in any way, or to just arrest and grab me and make me listen until I get sick of it. It’s just that, it sounded nice.
I rarely feel strongly with music. It simply isn’t how I’m evoked to feeling. But there have been some songs. Like “Hallelujah” sang at just the right moment by just the right person. Or Ingrid Michaelson when I’m in a car and it’s night and I feel less alone. Or that one time I watched “The Wizard and I” be performed and it grabbed me so strongly in that moment, I still can’t shake it (even after…)
Loving a little less. There’s a line off a book I read that sums this up quite perfectly: “it’s as if my capacity for love had been blunted.”
Needing to work, which is sad because it’s supposed to be my birthday, isn’t it?
A lot of things are currently up in the air. A couple of weeks ago (maybe a month or so ago?) it felt like the rug I had been standing on were being shaken, and all the dust is wafting around, and I with it. But, dusts are settling back and the horizon looks a little less uncertain.
I feel like I’m living in a ‘Kairos moment’. An opportune moment where what happens in the next 5 months sets the course for the long term.
I think it’s finally hitting me that I’m no longer preparing for some adult future, I’m already in it. This. Now. This is my life.
Smelling that unique scent of a pillow that is only ever appealing to the owner of the pillow. Lol. (I hope that made sense and didn’t sound super gross.)
I don’t feel very blue anymore. More broody. And sort of taking stock of my life, and how I have so tragically, beautifully, wonderfully, painfully veered off course. This old myth that you’re a brand new person every 7 years is sort of true in a way. Seven years ago I was going to maybe be a lawyer. Everything was still ahead of me. I can’t even honestly say that the friends I had then were the friends I had now. I don’t even hold to the same beliefs and philosophies as the 7-year-younger me. I am, in many ways, a stranger to her.
And that’s a good thing.
In my own weird way, despite everything, I have finally learned that however my life is now, I will not want it any other way. (Not in a stagnant way of course, just in terms of whatever path I’m on.)
Also, I hurt my tailbone pretty badly yesterday. So sitting for very long periods is something that’s been occupying my mind a lot in the last 24 hours.
The “That’s So Raven” reboot, “Raven’s Home” is SO GOOD… for a Disney multi-cam, of course. “Poldark” continues to be a garbage show, with a garbage (though beautiful) lead character and at this point I think I’m just hate-watching it. “Game of Thrones” is excellent, though I can’t say I’m a fan.
In the last two weeks I was at the Rony Fortich concert, which was great. Some numbers made me relive eight years ago when I saw a show that sparked an obsession with theater. I also saw “Spamalot” (I have yet to review) which I thought was excellent, and most of my issues with it were personal preference.
Wearing a black spaghetti strap tank and pink pj bottoms with a flower pattern on it.
Wishing for my tailbone to heal because I have events coming up this weekend through next week. And also the will to effect the changes I want to start.
Writing work stuff that has piled up, through no one’s fault but my own.
(Photo is Echo, who is currently the light of my life. He’s so scrappy and naughty and likes to stand on his hind legs and jump real high. His favorite thing in the world is to sit in front of an electric fan and feel the wind on his face. He also likes to clamp onto whatever’s dangling in front of him. But when you catch him at just the right moment, he’ll let you cuddle him for awhile. He also likes pressing his hot butt against my skin and jump on me when I’ve been on the laptop for too long.)
The Sunday Currently is a blog series that started here.